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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Kookaburra in an orgasm: on teenage girls, by my former, angry self

_____ ____________
Mrs. Wells
Sarcasm/Reductio Free Write
Tell me more, please

    Teenage girls gather in the most beautifully enchanting groups.  They speak softly and laugh shrilly every once in a while with the intensity of a kookaburra in an orgasm.  One would imagine that the circles they form conglomerate around intensely important issues that could not possibly wait for the phone.  No, these conversations bring upon us the light of heaven; delaying them would bring about the judgment that befalls the sinful ignorant.  What would we do, after all, without their oh-so-womanly discussions about boys and lipstick? 

Teen girls, I beseech thee--let not the stuck-up female judge your essential discussion circles.  We desperately crave hearing about how cute he is.  It matters SO much to the rest of us.  After all, we don't have eyes--we cannot see it ourselves!  Your great wisdom enlightens me past comprehension--I have experienced the epiphany of inspiration through your exuberant discussion of his face, his hands, the measurement around his arms.  I could not care more about the slow gentle thrill that crept from your pelvis up to your seven uppermost vertebrae when his luscious lips touched your cheek.  These things, after all, cannot wait until adulthood and marriage.  You tell us emphatically that you would never dream of marrying him--and then in the next sentence you quickly inform us that you love him desperately with the constant adoration of Romeo and Juliet.  Such depth of reasoning!  Furthermore, how would we know what was in and what was out, what was hot and what was not, if you did not tell us?  After all, the flashy ads do not tell us enough.  We cannot read the truth past their call--pop culture requires a deeper scripture for true understanding.  Speak, then, and speak loudly!  Don't let the foolish women who desire to find depth in all things squeeze the fun out of your discussions.    And we would die and burn in hell if you did not share the Gospel of Love and Makeup with us immediately. 

Remember, young women, speak about that which lightens your heart and increases your hormonal capacity!  The people dying in Communist prisons, Arab torture chambers, Ethiopian deserts of starvation, and the dark safe wombs of their mothers do not merit your valuable discussion time.  You do not need to worry about planning to lobby your congressmen or solving philosophical difficulties or reasoning deeper than the topmost epidermis of your handsomely bronzed skin.  As long as that epidermis is handsomely bronzed with the right finishers in the proper places and as long as the boys can see you, nothing else matters.  After all, everything that is golden glitters within easy reach, accessible without any strenuous thought.

1 comment:

  1. I really have met girls who said they wouldn't marry someone that they were dating, but that they loved him. LOVE--YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG, I felt.